I see so many posts daily from tons of "experts" on love. Here's the thing...nobody is an expert on love. We all have different life experiences that show us what love is and what love is not. I share my experiences because perhaps they can help some of you...but I am no expert.
Love can be masked by many other things, but true love....real love is something that cannot be described, only felt. True love is the cool side of the pillow, a clear mind, comfort, peace, the first day of summer. The warmth of a trusted embrace. Wanting to live every day better than the last because the future is so promising.
Now, love confused as other feelings....that is something entirely different. Possession masked as love is painful. Confining. Walking on eggshells. Guilt. Ownership masked as love is a false safety. A dream world of a sanctuary without the reality of the commitment of it. Insecurity and jealousy masked as love are full of games. Ups and downs and anger and a lack of peace. Shame. Resentment.
Here's the crazy thing. These other feelings, although they have some extreme, heart wrenching lows....also have some extremely passionate emotions attached with them. Unhealthy "love" can be intoxicating. We will endure being called terrible names, feeling lower than we have ever felt before, more confusion than ever, tears and yelling and heartache--for the promise of that passionate kiss, those teary-eyed apologies and "I-love-you"s.
Until one day, we grow tired of the up and down battles. We want something more. We want something healthy and lasting. We want something we don't have to be miserable for in order to "win" short-lived happiness.
We want REAL love. We want peace.
How did I start on this path? I worked on loving and forgiving and healing...myself. My lack of love for myself caused me to allow others in who didn't care for me, either. So I went to the source. I began to heal. I began to examine and feel and grow and learn who I was entirely in order to grow into who I wanted to be. I became more whole again.
So what happens when we find that healthy relationship after years of unhealthy ones? Do we accept it with open arms? In my experience, it takes work. I am not used to this comfort. This lasting love. This open heart who loves me unconditionally, despite my flaws. The soul who sees my soul in all of it's entirety, it's light and airy parts and it's dark and cold crevices....and still loves me. This person who reassures me, even when I am at my most difficult, my most defensive, my most emotional. The one who I laugh with, cry with, and talk to about anything. The one who plans a future with me without question, without games--without question.
This, although beautiful, is hard. The old me, the me who is used to chaos, has a hard time accepting this peace. The old me comes out at times and has tried to sabotage this amazing thing. She has tried to run away from this pure joy, this commitment because, well, she was only used to chaos. To pain. To heartache.
Yet, through care and time and introspection, I have learned to embrace this healthy and beautiful love. This peace. I have learned to nurture myself and change the thought processes that lead me to mistreated before. I have learned to love MYSELF which allows me to accept being LOVED and also allows me to LOVE FULLY. I have focused on learning from those around me with healthy and lasting relationships. I have stopped being stubborn, and I have decided to allow something wonderful to be a part of my life. I have learned that I am worth being loved and I am worth loving. That, my friends, is how I began to accept this amazing concept called "love"...and I feel comfort, warmth, and joy every day of my life.
...and I know you can feel that, too. It starts with you...and when you find that person, it ends with you as a team.
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