Sunday, November 9, 2014

I refuse to accept feeling "less than" anything....do you?

Has anyone ever told you that you look "too skinny"? What about that you look like "you gained weight"? Even worse, has anyone ever told you that you "need to EAT SOMETHING" or that you would look better if you "lost about 10 pounds"?

First of all....who feels like they have the right to say those things...am I right? Second of all, I have heard all of this. You see, I have been "too thin" (when my medication was causing significant weight loss). I have been "just right"..."sexy", even (when I had gained some weight back after being depressed, but also was still outside of my normal range because of medication). I have been "fat" (when I was within my normal range, healthy, and off of medication).

I have experienced the range of cold remarks and I have felt hurt by them. I have felt objectified. I have felt shamed. I have felt insecure. I have felt pressured.

I overcame a battle with an eating disorder of over 10 years. I was so proud of myself for that. It is why I started this blog. I wanted to provide hope for others to have faith in themselves....to have hope and know they can overcome self-hatred and self-doubt. Peace and inner happiness are at your fingertips....at all of our fingertips.


However, I must admit....I have not been holding true to my beliefs. Recently, my body has been changing. I am in my late twenties. My body takes a little longer to see results. Which is totally fine. I accepted that....because frankly, it won't do me any good to beat myself up my body's natural hormonal changes. However....I am human. I have been looking at the countless photos of women in which the new sought after body is almost unattainable without implants/constant workouts/waist trainers/intense diets. Big butt and hips, teeny tiny waist, ample breasts, full lips, contoured face, shiny hair.....did I miss anything?

If you are human like I am, you may have noticed this new trend and you may have felt ever so "slightly" inadequate.

Now, this is where I need  to stop us in our tracks. This is where you need to listen (and believe me, I am taking my own advice!). Feeling inadequate? Feeling like we need to succumb to the pressure of looking "perfect" for fear of being ostracized?

This is where it stops.

You see....I decided that feeling like that just wasn't going to work for me.

 I have decided that feeling like I wasn't "enough" just wasn't going to work out for my life. 

I am enough.

....and you are, too. 

I dare you all to stop feeling like you aren't enough. I encourage you all to stop looking at photos of people you wish you could look like when your perfect YOU is looking at you every day in the mirror.

I refuse to accept a life in which I always feel inadequate. I absolutely refuse. I cannot accept that. I will not accept that. I will work every day to love myself and my imperfections.

I will work to help the women around me feel empowered and beautiful and capable and deserving of feeling and KNOWING that we.are.all.enough.

Life is only the blink of an eye. Years pass by so quickly....more quickly than we realize until we realize that a year, or 5, has passed.

Do you want your life to pass by while you hate yourself? Or do you want every moment to be cherished? Do you want to look back and wish that you had loved yourself enough to enjoy each day? Or will you be looking back and wishing you stopped trying to be perfect and learned how to simply "be"?

Do not accept a life in which you constantly allow yourself to feel like you are not enough.

Trust me...you are more than enough. 


Please, tell yourself right now, at this very moment: I am enough. I am worthy. I am deserving of happiness and love. I love myself. No matter what anyone says, I will continue to love myself because I am worthy of being loved.

Repeat it over and over until you believe it....eventually, you will.

Until you can believe it yourself, I will tell you...

You are enough. You are worthy. You are deserving of happiness and love. You are loved. No matter what anyone says, you can continue to love yourself because you are worthy of being loved.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Worthy or unworthy? You decide.


"Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go" -Mooji


Who do we allow to define if we are deemed worthy or unworthy?

I recently felt dejected by multiple thoughts. My past has had moments of darkness and I have risen above them, fighting and clawing and scratching my way to avoid sinking into the dark abyss of a  life that is not fulfilling.

I got out. It was a battle. It is sometimes a daily struggle...but I got out.

I went from having no idea what I wanted for my future to working my way up in my career. I went from being deeply involved in an eating disorder to developing a healthy mind, body, and spirit. I went from questioning God to praising Him and thanking Him for those trials to build me into a better person. I went from entering into relationships because I was lonely to loving myself enough to understand what love really means.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2


Yet, do those around me who knew me in the darkness notice? Or will they forever see me as stuck in that dark moment? Will I forever be someone they are not proud of, someone who will never see their photo or achievements being shared? If I continue to be more and more successful, will they be proud? Or will they constantly have a half-hearted smile and roll their eyes when I walk away? Will I never be enough for those people who saw me in my darkness? The fact that I have come to accept is that I may never get that praise that I always so desperately wanted from the people I admired.

Yet, the comfort I have found in this is something so, so simple. The fact is....I will survive if they never see me for who I truly am. I will survive, and better yet, I will thrive. However, I will not do it to please them. I will not do it to fulfill a void of being unloved. I now strive for success because I love myself. I strive for success because I want a life that is full of happiness and light and inner peace and strength. By letting go of the desire to please people who will never be pleased, we allow others who love us as out true selves to enter into our world and we allow them to accept us unconditionally. We also allow for self-acceptance.

When we do not follow the path of others, we may have people look down on us. We may have people question us. The fact is this: everyone needs to life their life as they are able to. Everyone needs to be able to reach their moment of clarity at different times. Some people can reach their goals quickly, others may have to search until they find what they are looking for. No judgement is necessary for either group.

Those people that judge us? Perhaps their path was different than ours. Perhaps that's why they don't understand ours....and that is okay. When we accept that they may never accept us, we also must choose to accept them. We must choose to release the anger and the hurt that we felt and understand that they are only human, too. We felt sadness and they felt confusion for our choices. All of our feelings are different, but we all have feelings. Feeling are fleeting. We cannot let them control us. We cannot worry about who we are pleasing, or about trying to be "perfect". Why? This is our ego speaking. This is our ego saying, "Look at me! Look at how far I have come! Acknowledge me! Praise me! Love me!". What if we turned our ego off? What if we said, "I accept that you may never accept me. I accept myself. I love myself. I accept you and I love you. I will continue to thrive because I choose to because it makes me happy". Doesn't that sound so much more peaceful?

What matters is the inner peace with ourselves and the peace with others. Accept that those who love you will love you. Those who will not, will not. Accept these feelings for being as simple as they are. Life is complex. Feeling are complex....but we must not let them rule us.

"Feelings are just visitors. Let them come and go" -Mooji

Monday, October 27, 2014

Beautiful women of the world….

Beautiful women of the world….

I urge you to think before using your looks to get what you want. I know it is tempting. I know it may seem easy…but hear me out.

I urge you to think before using your glistening eyes to seduce and convince. Instead, use your eyes to lovingly seek to understand others. Use your eyes to comfort those in pain.

I urge you not to use your body as a deadly weapon to make the necks of men snap in your direction. Instead, make your body strong. Nourish it from the inside out. Keep your body sacred. Love your body enough to understand when a man really loves it and you or when he simply lusts after you.

Rather than using your feet to make your hips sway in that dress to catch the attention of the men at the bar, use them to take you far in life. Go and go and go until you reach your destination of exactly where you want to be. When you get there, embrace where you land. Walk barefoot and feel the world beneath your feet and know that you have the power to make your dreams a reality.

Instead of using your luscious lips to lick and bite and leave men entranced, use your lips to ooze kindness like honey into the hearts and ears of those around you. Never let someone leave your presence without hearing a kind word.

Rather than keeping your breasts on display, focus on what’s underneath them-your heart. Use it to guide you. Consult your brain, too. Get them to agree (most of the time) and you’re golden.


My point is to use your inner beauty to glow from the inside. I promise you…you will look and feel even more beautiful than you imagined. 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Are you a "good" person?

What does it mean to be a “good person”?

This has been a thought that has plagued me for years. I have always done my best to be a “good person”. To do the “right thing”, but was always confused on whether or not being a “good person” meant I was doing the “right thing” for my own life.

I recently overheard one woman telling another that her husband stood by her while she was battling alcoholism. She said, “That’s what good guys do”. What if the wife would have never overcame that? Would it make her husband a “bad guy” for wanting more out of life than tending to an alcoholic?

I also think about women with traditional values who are abused. Many of them stay in abusive and chaotic marriages for years. They die inside because they are trying to be a “good wife” and do the “right thing” by standing by the man who beats them because they said “til death do us part”…..

I can’t help but wonder if the death of the spark and fire and soul of the abused woman is enough reason for them to part.

If a woman is pressured to stay in an abusive marriage by her family because they believe it is the “right choice”….this does not make it the “right choice” for the woman.
I have come to the conclusion that doing the “right thing” is not just a “one size fits all” type of thing. What one person can endure, another person may not be able to handle. I strive to do what’s right for me. For example, I am the type of person who has to say what I feel, especially if I feel like I am being taken advantage. Some people think the “right thing” is to stay quiet. Unfortunately for me, I am unable to do that. I have accepted this and teach and train myself to use this trait in the right “way” according to my life. I don’t just say everything on my mind, especially if it would be hurtful. However, if I need to defend myself or others, I will do so. If I need to share my opinion, I will do so. I strive to do what’s right for ME so I can look in the mirror and feel like I am being the best version of me that I can be. Some others may not agree with my version of “right”. Some others may not agree with your version of “right”. I urge you to think about your own values and needs and wants and choose the right decision for you.

I want you all to be able to look in the mirror every day loving and understanding yourself enough to make the best choice for you. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Choose to have a loving heart....despite the ugliness of the world.

I'm sorry I have been absent for so long, friends. I have had a lot going on personally, part of which involved moving to another state! So, things have been quite busy, as things sometimes are...but I'm back.

I have been having many thoughts streaming in and out of my conscious mind throughout these past several weeks. Today, I thought about admiration. I thought about devotion. More specifically, I thought about what these words mean and how they feel when we associate them with a person.

I came to the conclusion that feeling those things may, quite possibly, lead us to disappointment. 

My first example will be from someone that you have all heard a lot about in the past few years if you listen to the radio at all. Yes, I am going to talk about Beyonce. Hear me out.

Young women everywhere sang along in satisfaction when she belted out lyrics about a guy who didn't treat us right being totally "replaceable". We embraced our curves singing along to "Bootylicious". We applauded her for having a beautifully "real" and "curvy" body (again, "real" and "curvy" are all subject to opinion). We felt empowered to be single when we shook our hand and danced to "Single Ladies" when we were out dancing with our friends. She became huge. She became a role-model.

And then.....

People disagreed with her using her married name for her tour. There were disapproving people scowling at her dancing and her dress code. She is accused often of photoshopping her pictures.

Suddenly, people are in a frenzy. They are questioning her and saying things like: "How could she do that?!", and "What kind of role model is she after all?!"

Okay, okay....so that's Beyonce. Most of us probably haven't met her, right? However, what happens when we use this kind of thinking with people in our real lives?

I have someone in my life who I adored greatly. He was always there for me. He made me feel like I wasn't alone, like I had some comfort in my life. In my eyes, he could do no wrong. I would defend him. I would take his side. I felt like he was the hardest working person I ever knew and I felt like I would grow old with him being as close to me for the rest of my life and being my role model. I felt like he would meet everyone I loved. I felt so lucky for having someone like that who I could trust, depend on, and who loved me. We can't choose family, so I felt blessed to have been given someone freely who was that fantastic.

Then, one day...things changed. One day, this person's life changed. He had different priorities, and I was no longer one of them. We would have months where we wouldn't speak to each other. When I saw him, I felt like a stranger in the life of someone I once knew so well.

So, what did I do? Sure, I cried. Sure, I mourned the loss of someone in my life....but then, I realized that this person was always a human being, just like I am. Just like we all are. I realized that this person was capable of hurting me, of making mistakes, and that didn't make him a bad person. It made him human. I accepted that our relationship would never be the same, and I looked back fondly on the memories of what once were. I could have stayed angry forever. I could have always talked badly about him and lamented to others about how much he changed and how I don't know what came over him....but I don't want that negativity in my life. It wouldn't make me feel any better, actually. Not at all.

I acknowledged the awkwardness and the change. I cherished the last hug we had, even if it was only me that cherished it (however, one can never know what is in the heart of another), because I realized how short life is and how quickly things can change. How nothing lasts forever, and how it's our choice to love or be bitter....

 I chose to love instead. 

I always choose to love instead, even if it isn't reciprocated because my heart is the only heart that is in my control. I want my heart to love. Just remember that a "loving heart" is not a "push-over heart". A "loving heart" is not a "needy heart". A real "loving heart" simply chooses to be at peace with the reality of what is. This kind of heart is strong because it understands it will be let down and it understands people are not perfect and life isn't perfect, yet, despite that....this kind of heart still chooses to take the higher road. To find peace and joy in life, even when it is hard to do so....

Darlings, life goes on. Life can be cruel and cold, but we have to choose to stay warm and seek the beauty in everything. How we view these heartaches and losses in life is entirely up to us. Choose to embrace the reality for something that we can learn from instead of something that will break us. Choose not to blame people who hurt us and instead just accept them as being human and capable of such things. Choose to love instead of being angry. When we use love to push the sadness out, it flows out far more smoothly than if we try to push sadness away with anger.

When I chose to have a loving heart, I learned to separate myself from that place of adoration and moved myself into a place of reality.

So, my beauties, my point is this: choose to have a loving heart that understands that people are only human. Love people, but avoid placing them on pedestals because they are only human...just like you. Just like me. Forgive them. Forgive yourself.

....and take care of your loving hearts.

Monday, August 11, 2014

What is LOVE....in your eyes?



I recently completed a survey asking people to answer the following questions: 


1. What is your age?

2. What is your relationship status?

3. Based on your experiences in life, please provide a definition of what you think “love” is in no more than 10 sentences.
4. In your opinion, how do you think society defines love? How do your friends and family view love?
5. If you could change one thing about your current love life, what would it be?

 I asked for the following participants: single aged 16-20, in a relationship aged 16-20, committed but not married 20-30, married 20-30, single 20-30, and finally, married over 20 years. The answers impressed me and I wanted to share them with all of you. This was an eye-opening experience and I am grateful to have soaked in the words from all of my participants. I hope you enjoy this, because I certainly did. 


Our hearts all tell a story. Perhaps the views of others will remind you of that....

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

What is your choice?

It's been a while. This happens sometimes in life. We sometimes need time to refocus, reconnect with people and situations are us, rediscover our path.

I have discovered recently that every action we make helps to develop our future path.

Let me explain.

I have been thinking a lot about love. I am an observer and I observe the way people look at each other. Their comfort around each other. Their love that cannot be hidden, and that they couldn't fake if they tried.

One common thing I have seen about people in love (and yes, I have asked them questions to come to this conclusion) is that love is a choice. Many of these people did not have an easy start. Many had to endure hardships financially, heartbreaks within families, relocation, lack of stability--many, many things. Yet, they actively made a choice to work as a team and stay together. These are people I have seen experiencing lasting love.

This is where it gets tricky because too many people think they should continue trying when the relationship is only  one-sided or abusive. No. This is a big, fat, no. When you are truly with someone who loves you, it is no longer a game. You both put 100% in to provide peace, love, and happiness to each other. You never actively try to hurt each other. You work through things together. Even the moments that aren't so pretty. You communicate and respect each other. If you feel like you are the only one putting those positive things into you relationship, perhaps it's time to take a step back and reevaluate.

Real love means you are being authentic to your true self, and so is the person you love. Real love is freeing. Real love is healing. Real love should not cause pain or heartache.

Real love is lasting. Real love surpasses lust and reaches into your soul instead of merely grazing over your body.

Learn the difference and make your choice from there.

We choose to love, or we choose not to. It's as simple as that. We are not good or bad for choosing one or the other--we must be true to our needs and desires. So simple, yet so complex...right?

What's your choice?

Friday, July 18, 2014

Choices....





Let's talk about choices.

This topic is fresh on my mind because I was recently talking to a trusted individual about how I sometimes want to flee the confines of my traditional, albeit happy, life and roam free as a starry-eyed wanderer. Get rid of all commitments and be completely free. 

This lovely person brought me back to reality and reminded me that though we must be able to accept our choices, whatever they may be....there are consequences for our choices. Now, consequences are not necessarily a punishment. They are the reality of what occurs from the choices we make. Her point in this was that if I chose the life of a nomad, I would certainly have excitement. I would meet new people, see many places, fly by the seat of my pants, and my life would never have a dull moment. Are you ready for the big "but"? Yes, I could have that exciting life, but, I would be giving up the stability I have craved since I was a young girl. I would be giving up the comfort of my bed that I worked so hard for, my first big purchase after moving out on my own. I would be giving up the option of watching the children I always dreamed of having grow up in their forever home. I would make many new friends, but the relationships would be fleeting and I would miss out on years of blood, sweat, and tears relationships with people who would do anything for me. I would miss out on sleepy-eyed morning kisses and that comfort that only comes from being with someone who knows you fully, completely, deeply--and still loves you. I would be giving up the knowledge that a warm hug is always waiting for me, from someone--all I would have to do is call. I would have to be understanding of the idea that, unfortunately, if I get sick--I might be alone. If I become deathly ill, I may not have any way of contacting my family and even if I could, they would probably not be able to get out there fast enough. 

Now, this is the part where I got really, really lucky.

I have figured out how to do both. I can live my dreams of traveling while still maintaining solid relationships. I am blessed to be with a man who is secure in our relationship and supports my dreams. He wants me to able to go on that mission trip I always dreamed of. He wants to travel to Europe with me. Then, I also have my stability. My loved ones to come home to and share the joys of the pictures and the stories and the foods and sights and smells. My friends who know that I have this adventurous side and understand my need to fulfill it, but are still there to support me and listen to all of my crazy stories when I return. I maintain relationships with people who matter because at the end, that's all we have, folks. The people who love us fulfill our lives. They bring us life. They make me understand why I don't want to be a wanderer. Now, wandering with them? That's a different story. Bring that on. Bring that on for life

I am well aware that there are many who may not agree and who want to travel--I welcome their opinions. I hope they embrace their thoughts and live the most beautiful life possible. I am challenging you to remember that we need to be at peace with our choices-whatever they may be. 

Are there difficulties in commitments? Always. There are days where things are mundane. Days where we all want to run away (especially when we are stressed over bills, jobs, significant others, kids, in-laws....life stuff). That's normal. We need to take time to do what makes us happy in those moments. Take a little quiet time. Breathe. Understand that this moment shall pass....

....and when it does, you won't be alone. You have someone there to hold you, support you, listen to you, and plan that crazy trip with you that you have always dreamed about. 

So make your choices, my friends. Accept them and embrace them but do so with the understanding of what will happen next. Choose wisely, and choose with love. 



(Image credit: Bertha Williams MUA Mikal Andreu)

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Make room for happiness.

Letting go is incredibly hard, isn't it? Especially when our heart is invested in something or someone. It is so painful to walk away from something or someone who was once a huge part of our life.

Yet, we do it. Why?

Because we have to.

One of the recurring issues that happens so often in the dating world (and I also committed this dating crime) is that people simply don't let go of the past. We don't always see moving on as a "good" thing. When we walk away from something or someone, we must realize that feeling a loss is inevitable. We are "losing something", but if we are choosing to let it go, then we must trust our choices.

We need to realize that maybe, just maybe, some "losses" are actually just barriers to happiness being removed from our lives.

When loneliness kicks in, our brains trick us. They make us second-guess our choices that were once "set-in-stone". We start thinking that perhaps we made a mistake. Perhaps that person or situation which seems so terrible really wasn't so terrible after all.

This, my friends, is where logical thinking must come into play. Ask yourself some tough questions, and be honest with yourself.


  • Did this person or situation make me feel happier when I was experiencing them/it? Or did they/it make me feel unhappy or drained most of the time?



  • Did I make the choice to leave that person/place logically? After putting much thought into it? 


If the answers to these questions are "yes", then trust yourself because it seems like you made the right choice. Don't let those feelings of loneliness make you change your mind. Don't settle for less than you deserve just to have something....wait for the right thing.

Something magical happens when we allow ourselves to heal....

...we emerge even brighter. We have changed. We have softened or hardened in some places that will continue adding to our character. We have grown and changed and learned and we have risen above the loneliness. We have learned to love ourselves and embrace the loneliness and changes because it only means that a) we are comfortable being alone with ourselves and we accept that change is inevitable and b) we have made room for the right person or situation to enter our lives.

When we let go of something that is causing unhappiness, we allow more love and happiness to enter our lives. When we have something causing us unhappiness blocking our heart, it hinders us. It is a barrier. Sure, we may not be alone--but what's worse than not having someone/something? Having someone or something and still feeling completely and utterly alone. 

Wait for the people and situations who reflect love and joy back to you. Don't feel guilty from walking away from toxic people or things. Let your heart shine and make room for happiness.


Saturday, June 28, 2014

Bring your darkness to light.

Brene Brown wrote, "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity".

Those two sentences sum up the reasons for my desire to start this blog so, so well.

I want you all to understand that bringing your darkness to light can be one of the most freeing things in the world. 

You see, in my lifetime, I have experienced a lot of darkness. Darkness that I was incredibly ashamed of. I was ashamed of the irresponsible choices I made in my youth. I hurt many people I loved. I hurt myself. I damaged relationships. I walked away with so much shame that I lost sleep and so many tears over it.

I made bad choices to fill voids in my life. I relied on sexuality and appearance instead of my heart and mind. I allowed myself to be harassed. I allowed myself to be manipulated. Then, when I wanted to get away from that life and those memories, I allowed people who cared about me (in the only way they knew how) to shame me. I felt like damaged goods, and someone who feels like damaged goods doesn't make the best choices, either. I felt ashamed and I felt like a bad, bad person. I felt like I deserved the belittlement for my past choices. I felt like I needed to find more "damaged" people to understand and accept the "damaged" person that I was. I channeled my pain by wanting to heal the pain in others. I thought I could "fix" people.

Let's pay attention to the domino effect of negative patterns here. 

Desperately seeking to fill voids -> making questionable choices to fill the emptiness instead of addressing and healing the emptiness -> feeling ashamed from questionable choices which then caused another void -> let more people mistreat me due to feeling "damaged". 

Do you see what happened here? This pattern would have just kept going and going and going...but I stopped it. 

How? I forgave myself. I said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". I have beaten myself up ENOUGH over these choices. I am NOT the same person I was when I made them. I learned. I did my best to repair all of the relationships I marred. I let people know that I was truly sorry. I cut people out who continued to shame me. I could not move forward and stop feeling "damaged" unless I really STOPPED THINKING I WAS DAMAGED. I was NOT damaged. I made some choices that weren't that great, but that did not make ME a bad person.

Was it easy? No. I think it took me about 6 years to forgive myself. Do you know what really helped? 

Admitting that darkness to others. When we release those deep, dark, soul-crushing,  sleep-losing thoughts and we bring them to LIGHT, something magical happens. We realize that the earth keeps spinning, life continues to go on, and nothing really changes--except our ability to forgive ourselves. Are there some people who will judge you? Of course. There are people who will judge others no matter what. It is inevitable and it something that becomes easier when we accept and forgive ourselves because we aren't desperately trying to seek the approval of others....but when you stop hiding out of shame, you feel free. You own up to your choices and you show others that you are stronger for overcoming them. You don't deny them, you don't shy away from them--you admit them and you move on. 

In this life, we need to have the ability to realize our mistakes, own them, admit them, learn from them, grow from them, forgive ourselves, and move on. 

I will share this with you: all of the people who truly matter in my life who know my past still love me. Still accept me...and that is more than enough for me. One of the most precious memories I carry in my heart is when I admitted my troubled past to my darling, and I was fully anticipating him telling me he could not handle it. I thought he would push me away. You see, I had multiple relationships in which the men shamed me when I admitted my past. I didn't fit into their image of who they thought I should have been, and therefore put me in the "bad" person category. Needless to say, I had dealt with the pain and the shaming and rejection, so I was prepared for my newest leap-of-faith to say the same....

....but he didn't. He told me that the only thing he saw in front of him was a beautiful woman who is who she is because of her past. 

And that, my friends, is the type of person you want in your life. 

So please, bring your darkness to light with someone who you know loves you. Trust their love and trust your worth. KNOW YOUR WORTH. Know that you are more than your choices and your choices do not make you a bad person. If you have changed and have bettered your life, be proud of that. You may even be able to help others by showing them empathy--letting them know that they are not alone. 


We can find the light through the darkness. It is there. Forgive yourself. Free yourself.

Let go. 

Sunday, June 22, 2014

The light is right around the corner....wait for it's warmth to shine down on you.

A beautiful thought entered my mind today.

I was tossing and turning, trying to rest. I was unable to relax, unable to be completely at ease.

Dream. Wake up. Restless. Dream. Wake up. Toss. Turn. Dream.

Each time I woke up...something else happened. I noticed something comforting each time. The first time I woke up, I embraced the warmth and comfort of my bed...my bed that I bought myself when I was in a brand new place, all alone, starting to build my life.

The next time I woke up, I embraced the softness and comfort of my darling. Realized how lucky I was to experience his love and warmth when others (and I was one of them) crave to find that one person who listens to the beats and rhythms of their heart.....well, I have him. 

The final time I woke up, I was relishing in the previous two discoveries and also saw how beautiful the light peeking through my shades looked. So refreshing and calming. Shine down on me, light. You are always welcome to shine down on me. 

Life is like this. The more we wake up to embrace what is going on around us, the more refreshed and appreciative we feel. I used to live my life closed off. I was searching without really LOOKING, without really SEEING what was around me. I was not awake. 

Waking up means experiencing all that life has to offer. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly and everything in between. It means welcoming life with open arms and understanding that we may go through those periods of tossing and turning, but just around the corner we have the light peeking through--waiting to comfort us. 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

It begins with you...yes, you!

I see so many posts daily from tons of "experts" on love. Here's the thing...nobody is an expert on love. We all have different life experiences that show us what love is and what love is not.  I share my experiences because perhaps they can help some of you...but I am no expert.

Love can be masked by many other things, but true love....real love is something that cannot be described, only felt. True love is the cool side of the pillow, a clear mind, comfort, peace, the first day of summer. The warmth of a trusted embrace. Wanting to live every day better than the last because the future is so promising.

Now, love confused as other feelings....that is something entirely different. Possession masked as love is painful. Confining. Walking on eggshells. Guilt. Ownership masked as love is a false safety. A dream world of a sanctuary without the reality of the commitment of it.  Insecurity and jealousy masked as love are full of games. Ups and downs and anger and a lack of peace. Shame. Resentment.

Here's the crazy thing. These other feelings, although they have some extreme, heart wrenching lows....also have some extremely passionate emotions attached with them. Unhealthy "love" can be intoxicating. We will endure being called terrible names, feeling lower than we have ever felt before, more confusion than ever, tears and yelling and heartache--for the promise of that passionate kiss, those teary-eyed apologies and "I-love-you"s.

Until one day, we grow tired of the up and down battles. We want something more. We want something healthy and lasting. We want something we don't have to be miserable for in order to "win" short-lived happiness.

We want REAL love. We want peace.

How did I start on this path? I worked on loving and forgiving and healing...myself. My lack of love for myself caused me to allow others in who didn't care for me, either. So I went to the source. I began to heal. I began to examine and feel and grow and learn who I was entirely in order to grow into who I wanted to be. I became more whole again.

So what happens when we find that healthy relationship after years of unhealthy ones? Do we accept it with open arms? In my experience, it takes work. I am not used to this comfort. This lasting love. This open heart who loves me unconditionally, despite my flaws. The soul who sees my soul in all of it's entirety, it's light and airy parts and it's dark and cold crevices....and still loves me. This person who reassures me, even when I am at my most difficult, my most defensive, my most emotional. The one who I laugh with, cry with, and talk to about anything. The one who plans a future with me without question, without games--without question.

This, although beautiful, is hard. The old me, the me who is used to chaos, has a hard time accepting this peace. The old me comes out at times and has tried to sabotage this amazing thing. She has tried to run away from this pure joy, this commitment because, well, she was only used to chaos. To pain. To heartache.

Yet, through care and time and introspection, I have learned to embrace this healthy and beautiful love. This peace. I have learned to nurture myself and change the thought processes that lead me to mistreated before. I have learned to love MYSELF which allows me to accept being LOVED and also allows me to LOVE FULLY. I have focused on learning from those around me with healthy and lasting relationships. I have stopped being stubborn, and I have decided to allow something wonderful to be a part of my life. I have learned that I am worth being loved and I am worth loving. That, my friends, is how I began to accept this amazing concept called "love"...and I feel comfort, warmth, and joy every day of my life.

...and I know you can feel that, too. It starts with you...and when you find that person, it ends with you as a team.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Take Ownership of Your Own Life Before Someone Else Does.

If I have learned anything in my almost (yes, almost as in next weekend!) 28 years of existence, it is this:

Nothing is what it seems. Don't blindly take advice from ANYONE who has never experienced the things that preach about, or who is a hypocrite. Don't take advice from someone who isn't genuine. Who hasn't had the courage and strength to be who they are without regret.

Lately, I have cringed almost daily at the amount of people who take things seriously such as, "12 Signs You Should be Doing....", "5 Ways to Become a Better....", "10 Signs He/She is _____ In Your Life..."....I see so many people who think that ONE person's success MUST be the end-all-be-all. It is not. Your life is YOURS to own and conquer and enjoy and embrace. Our successes are ALL different. Some may feel success from raising a happy family. Some may feel success from making millions. Some may feel success from being able to pay for their own apartment. We all have our own path and each person is entitled to that.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Whatever happened to reflecting? Please-don't give up on your own ability to reflect and understand. Don't stop searching. If you need advice, turn to someone you trust who has been THROUGH it. Understand that even THEN, their opinion and experience is their story and YOU will create your own.

As a society, we must take more ownership for our emotions and feelings and our own LIFE that only WE are LIVING...as individuals. With free spirits and free hearts and souls and wills.

Listen to your own inner voice today. Relax before making decisions. You will figure this out.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

What happens when you leave your comfort zone?



Eat. Shame. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Exercise. Restrict. "Happy". Control. Binge. Shame. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Exercise. "Happy". Control.....rinse and repeat over and over and over again.

I became comfortable with this sadness. I became comfortable with not taking charge of my life. I became comfortable with yo-yo dieting because I hated my body even though I was so, so far from truly comfortable and comforted in my own body.

Let's talk crash diets...I did the salad diet, I did the cabbage diet, I did the eat only salads AND workout diet, I did the smoothie diet, I did  the fasting, I did the massive-amount-of-exercise. I took fad diet pills and I was even prescribed medication to lose weight. My weight has fluctuated more times than I can count because I have never been consistent because being consistent meant releasing that false sense of control and owning up to the truth.

Guess what? My body will never look like the image I had in my head for years. Guess what else?

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

For the first time in my life, I am owning up to who I am and accepting who I am. All of my curves. All of my flaws. All of my blessings. They are all a part of who I am. In accepting myself, I am being consistent for the second time in my life. I have been healthy only one other time in my life when I did so naturally. The difference is that then, unlike now, I became healthy in a natural way but it wasn't out of love for myself. It was an obsession. It was an escape.

Now, I  exercise because I love myself and I want these legs which have trampled over so many trials and tribulations to carry me as long as they will go. I eat healthfully because I want my over flowing heart to continue thump-thump-thumping for years to come. I life this lifestyle now because I want to keep sharing the joy with people in my life who I never want to live without.

Be healthy because you are in love with life and because you love yourself completely. We are on this journey together <3

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

FREE YOUR MIND.

How do we use the power of association to guide us through life?

Words are very powerful and can change our mindset completely. When you were a child, did you hear your loved ones calling themselves "fat"? Did you hear others making fun of someone for being "overweight"? Do you think you would associate certain sizes or numbers on the scale with "fat" had you not heard those things as a child? Did you hear a woman who had multiple sexual partners being called a "slut"?

Imagine growing up in a world where people referred to others who looked differently as "beautiful". Imagine your mother, your sister, your aunt, or your childhood best friend loving themselves exactly as they were, and letting that feeling radiate through them so the heat of their self-love made you feel self-love, too. Imagine people using their love to guide and help others instead of judging them for their choices.

I used to label myself, my friends. I used to think that my "bad" choices made me "damaged". I listened to what the views of others were. I felt guilty because of the associations that I made and that other people made about my EXPERIENCES (I choose not to say "mistakes"-we need to understand we are human and will have many "experiences" that will guide us). When I realized that it was time to forgive myself and realize that my choices did NOT define me-I felt a freedom that I had not felt in years. I did not have to label myself as a "damaged" person because of the associations I had in my mind with my choices. I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. I had the freedom to learn from my experiences, and just be ME. No labels. No associations. Just me.

Let's change our associations. Let's replace those automatic negative thought processes with positive ones. Rather than pulling the skin on your gorgeous wide hips, or shapely stomach, or strong arms and saying it is "fat", say at least ONE POSITIVE quality about that body part. Instead of saying your wild hair is frizzy and awful, think of how beautiful and free and untamed it looks! Feel that freedom throughout your day!

Change your thoughts. Change your thought process. Good things will follow. We want our future children to have a positive body image of themselves and others. We want our loved ones to realize that we are only human. Our experiences (positive or negative) do not have to define the rest of our lives. You are YOU. That is all you have to be. You are not damaged. You are not broken. You are free to be the beautiful you that you are HERE on this earth to be.



Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Make the change!

To the women of the world: I have been in your shoes.

I have been on dates that now go down in history as "Did-that-really-happen?" moments.

I have had relationships end in ways that I never could have even created in my wildest imagination.

I have had friends hurt me.

I have had terrible jobs.

I have ever overdrafted my bank account. Yes, even that.

I have been hurt. I have been betrayed. I have lost faith.....

....but I got that faith back.

Would you like to know how? I don't have any gimmicks for you. I also can't tell you that the answers all come immediately. I still have "a-HA!" moments on a weekly basis from situations that occurred months or years ago in my life.

However, I will tell you this: things DO always work out. I know, I know. It sounds so cliche, right? Well, there is a little trick: you need to own up to your actions. I used to be passive aggressive and non-confrontational with people who wronged me. I used to want to change myself so much that I HATED myself rather than LOVING myself. I would make excuses for others AND for myself.

It was time to stop that.

It was time to realize that if I kept dating the same type of guy and those relationships kept failing, PERHAPS it was time to understand MYSELF and figure out why I kept going down that path. If I had conflict with friends, I needed to look at what I did  to determine if it was up to me to make amends. If I wasn't paying off my debt, but making money to do so--it was up to ME to make the changes to start fixing that.

Now, this might be heavy for you. You are probably thinking, "Wow, Nicole. So you are telling me to find all of the things I am DOING WRONG and fix them....sounds painful". It may sound painful, but here is the beauty of it: when we change our lives for the better, we also must FORGIVE OURSELVES. We will never be perfect. Our experiences (I won't say "mistakes", because they are purely experiences!) made us who we are. Yet, we need to continue GROWING and LEARNING from those experiences rather than closing our eyes, mind, and heart to the possibilities that are right in front of us. When we forgive ourselves, and realize that those "experiences" were purely that: experiences to prepare us for something GREATER, we become peaceful. Things start falling into place.

Things change for the better and continue to flourish.

Look in your mirror. Think about your life and what you want to change. Then smile, tell yourself "I love you", and make the changes. You can do it. You are meant for greater things.




Friday, January 24, 2014

“Consistency is what matters the most in triggering something important to your life” -Abdul Rauf

Let’s talk about consistency.

What does this mean to you? To me, it means everything.

I crave consistency in my life. Being consistent does not mean that we are unable to be spontaneous. It just means that we try our very best to be the best versions of us possible. It means we set personal boundaries, and choose to have other consistent relationships in our lives to avoid unnecessary stress and heartache.

I need to be consistent in my actions, or I become overwhelmed. I need consistency from others in my life. Many of my close friends and family members have shown me consistency in their actions and words-whether we are together or not.

The thing about consistency is that it takes TIME. We cannot develop consistency immediately. If we want a consistent and healthy relationship, it takes time. It takes getting to know the ins and outs of each other. It takes forgiveness, support, and commitment. If we want consistency in our personal health routine, we need to commit to the steps we take to get there. We must make small changes before we add on larger ones so we don’t set ourselves up for failure. With small changes, we can create that consistency that we crave.

If we want consistency with anything in our lives, we need to make the choice to commit to it.


Make a commitment to yourself today. Start small. Write it down. Track your progress. You will get to where you need to be. I believe in all of us! Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen as quickly as you want it to--it WILL happen. Just be consistent <3

Monday, January 20, 2014

Food Addicts

Hello everyone!
I apologize for not posting recently. Life has had some ups and downs (all exciting ones), and I took a little hiatus from my blog...but I am back!

Today, I want us to think about different perspectives. Do we categorize eating disorders in our minds? Are we are of the different ones that are out there? This is not a post to judge anyone, or to scold anyone. This is purely a post to remind us to be open.

A lovely friend of mine shared her personal struggle with me and is brave enough to share her story in order to help others. I want to share her story with all of you to remind all of us that eating disorders come in many shapes and forms. We must not judge others, or form opinions about them before getting to know them. We must love ourselves-regardless of our shape or size. If the people we loved the most died tomorrow, would we be even slightly concerned about the size of their pants? Their waist measurements? I highly doubt it. We should value ourselves more than that, too.

"I know you probably come in contact with people struggling with eating disorders through your blog and such. The website to this program is http://www.foodaddicts.org It is completely free and we help all types of people with food addiction, which many times manifests as ED's. There are recovering overeater's, bulimics, anorexics, people that have been morbidly obese and extremely thin and now are living with freedom around the mental obsession around food. I have been in program about 3.5 years and I used to struggle with obesity, overeating, laxative bulimia and my weight had fluctuated seriously over many years. The obsession around food was exhausting and time consuming and seemed to be a futile struggle for control. I like to give as many people as I can access to this info, because we invariably meet people every day that have problems with food. This website has a lot of info if you're interested and if you were to have any questions, feel free to ask me or contact the contacts listed".

Friday, January 3, 2014

Commitment isn't such a scary word, after all.

"Don't just aspire to be the best person you can be, commit yourself to being that person".

These were words spoken by my yoga teacher at the end of our New Year's Day 1/2 Mala. A Mala consists of 108 sun salutations, so we completed 1/2 of that. For those of you familiar with yoga, you know that sun salutations are an energizing way to wake up our bodies. I was very focused on my practice on New Year's Day, and I woke up the next day feeling satisfyingly sore all over my entire body. 

The reason this yoga class meant more to me than some of the others is because I wanted to start off my year with INTENTION. With PURPOSE. With DRIVE and AMBITION. The night before, my other half and I stayed up watching a recording of the ball dropping (as we are in Texas time--an hour behind NYC time), eating healthy snacks, and watching movies. So, as you may be able to conclude: I was tired. My body was tired, but my mind pushed me to wake up. My voice, however, pushed my boyfriend to wake up (and he couldn't have handled it better. Yes, I am lucky). The class started at 9:00 am, so I was up by 8:00 am. We drove to the studio with 30 minutes to spare. Nobody was in the parking lot by 9:45, so I thought I should check the time of the class on the schedule (just to be sure my excitement did not get the best of my logical thinking and memory...). When I did, I realized that *gasp*: the class started at 10:00 am! Now, you would think I would have felt grumpy because I missed out on an hour of sleep after a late New Year's Eve night....yet, I still felt energized. I still felt excited. I had a purpose and I had intention in my heart.

 I made a commitment to attend that class, and I did. This may seem small to some of you, but I would like to share something I have learned over the years: 

Small victories are just as gratifying as large victories, and they pave the way for the huge, outstanding victories that enter our paths. If we can complete those small victories with success and ease, the roads that we must endure to accomplish our large victories will seem that much easier. We will still be able to appreciate those large victories with just as much (if not more) joy, but we won't have to get there by stepping on the shards of glass and rock and bumps in the road along the way. You see, once we learn how to overcome small challenges with grace, we can overcome the seemingly more challenging challenges with ease and peace of mind. That makes the final destination so much sweeter. 

So how do we overcome small, tedious, daily challenges to gain small victories? How do we overcome those large challenges that make us feel like we want to curl up in a little ball and never face those difficulties? 

We practice commitment. We focus on intention. We discover our inner ambition and drive. We grasp our determination and we don't let go until we have reached our goal. 

Starting off my 2014 with that purpose and drive and commitment has made the tougher challenges in the days thereafter seem easier to cope with. Do I have my moments where I have to center myself? Yes. Of course! We are only human. Living with intention does not mean we will never have stress (but if you have learned how to do that, please let me know!). Yet, it just makes stress easier to deal with because we can focus on WHAT we are working toward and HOW we will get there. Remember those pesky shards of glass and rock and bumps that we inevitably encounter when we are trying to reach that beautiful sunshine at the end of the road?? Focus on that sunshine. Focus on that beautiful sunshine that will be so fulfilling--especially after you have had the peace and clarity of mind to bypass those rocks and bumps and glass.

Live every day with the INTENTION to be a good person, to be better than you were yesterday....then COMMIT yourself to that. Make the commitment to yourself every day to live with intention...because you truly deserve a fulfilling, peaceful, and joy-filled life.