Those two sentences sum up the reasons for my desire to start this blog so, so well.
I want you all to understand that bringing your darkness to light can be one of the most freeing things in the world.
You see, in my lifetime, I have experienced a lot of darkness. Darkness that I was incredibly ashamed of. I was ashamed of the irresponsible choices I made in my youth. I hurt many people I loved. I hurt myself. I damaged relationships. I walked away with so much shame that I lost sleep and so many tears over it.
I made bad choices to fill voids in my life. I relied on sexuality and appearance instead of my heart and mind. I allowed myself to be harassed. I allowed myself to be manipulated. Then, when I wanted to get away from that life and those memories, I allowed people who cared about me (in the only way they knew how) to shame me. I felt like damaged goods, and someone who feels like damaged goods doesn't make the best choices, either. I felt ashamed and I felt like a bad, bad person. I felt like I deserved the belittlement for my past choices. I felt like I needed to find more "damaged" people to understand and accept the "damaged" person that I was. I channeled my pain by wanting to heal the pain in others. I thought I could "fix" people.
Let's pay attention to the domino effect of negative patterns here.
Desperately seeking to fill voids -> making questionable choices to fill the emptiness instead of addressing and healing the emptiness -> feeling ashamed from questionable choices which then caused another void -> let more people mistreat me due to feeling "damaged".
Do you see what happened here? This pattern would have just kept going and going and going...but I stopped it.
How? I forgave myself. I said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". I have beaten myself up ENOUGH over these choices. I am NOT the same person I was when I made them. I learned. I did my best to repair all of the relationships I marred. I let people know that I was truly sorry. I cut people out who continued to shame me. I could not move forward and stop feeling "damaged" unless I really STOPPED THINKING I WAS DAMAGED. I was NOT damaged. I made some choices that weren't that great, but that did not make ME a bad person.
Was it easy? No. I think it took me about 6 years to forgive myself. Do you know what really helped?
Admitting that darkness to others. When we release those deep, dark, soul-crushing, sleep-losing thoughts and we bring them to LIGHT, something magical happens. We realize that the earth keeps spinning, life continues to go on, and nothing really changes--except our ability to forgive ourselves. Are there some people who will judge you? Of course. There are people who will judge others no matter what. It is inevitable and it something that becomes easier when we accept and forgive ourselves because we aren't desperately trying to seek the approval of others....but when you stop hiding out of shame, you feel free. You own up to your choices and you show others that you are stronger for overcoming them. You don't deny them, you don't shy away from them--you admit them and you move on.
In this life, we need to have the ability to realize our mistakes, own them, admit them, learn from them, grow from them, forgive ourselves, and move on.
I will share this with you: all of the people who truly matter in my life who know my past still love me. Still accept me...and that is more than enough for me. One of the most precious memories I carry in my heart is when I admitted my troubled past to my darling, and I was fully anticipating him telling me he could not handle it. I thought he would push me away. You see, I had multiple relationships in which the men shamed me when I admitted my past. I didn't fit into their image of who they thought I should have been, and therefore put me in the "bad" person category. Needless to say, I had dealt with the pain and the shaming and rejection, so I was prepared for my newest leap-of-faith to say the same....
....but he didn't. He told me that the only thing he saw in front of him was a beautiful woman who is who she is because of her past.
And that, my friends, is the type of person you want in your life.
So please, bring your darkness to light with someone who you know loves you. Trust their love and trust your worth. KNOW YOUR WORTH. Know that you are more than your choices and your choices do not make you a bad person. If you have changed and have bettered your life, be proud of that. You may even be able to help others by showing them empathy--letting them know that they are not alone.
We can find the light through the darkness. It is there. Forgive yourself. Free yourself.
Let go.
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