What is your choice?

It's been a while. This happens sometimes in life. We sometimes need time to refocus, reconnect with people and situations are us, rediscover our path.

I have discovered recently that every action we make helps to develop our future path.

Let me explain.

I have been thinking a lot about love. I am an observer and I observe the way people look at each other. Their comfort around each other. Their love that cannot be hidden, and that they couldn't fake if they tried.

One common thing I have seen about people in love (and yes, I have asked them questions to come to this conclusion) is that love is a choice. Many of these people did not have an easy start. Many had to endure hardships financially, heartbreaks within families, relocation, lack of stability--many, many things. Yet, they actively made a choice to work as a team and stay together. These are people I have seen experiencing lasting love.

This is where it gets tricky because too many people think they should continue trying when the relationship is only  one-sided or abusive. No. This is a big, fat, no. When you are truly with someone who loves you, it is no longer a game. You both put 100% in to provide peace, love, and happiness to each other. You never actively try to hurt each other. You work through things together. Even the moments that aren't so pretty. You communicate and respect each other. If you feel like you are the only one putting those positive things into you relationship, perhaps it's time to take a step back and reevaluate.

Real love means you are being authentic to your true self, and so is the person you love. Real love is freeing. Real love is healing. Real love should not cause pain or heartache.

Real love is lasting. Real love surpasses lust and reaches into your soul instead of merely grazing over your body.

Learn the difference and make your choice from there.

We choose to love, or we choose not to. It's as simple as that. We are not good or bad for choosing one or the other--we must be true to our needs and desires. So simple, yet so complex...right?

What's your choice?

Choices....

Let's talk about choices.

This topic is fresh on my mind because I was recently talking to a trusted individual about how I sometimes want to flee the confines of my traditional, albeit happy, life and roam free as a starry-eyed wanderer. Get rid of all commitments and be completely free. 

This lovely person brought me back to reality and reminded me that though we must be able to accept our choices, whatever they may be....there are consequences for our choices. Now, consequences are not necessarily a punishment. They are the reality of what occurs from the choices we make. Her point in this was that if I chose the life of a nomad, I would certainly have excitement. I would meet new people, see many places, fly by the seat of my pants, and my life would never have a dull moment. Are you ready for the big "but"? Yes, I could have that exciting life, but, I would be giving up the stability I have craved since I was a young girl. I would be giving up the comfort of my bed that I worked so hard for, my first big purchase after moving out on my own. I would be giving up the option of watching the children I always dreamed of having grow up in their forever home. I would make many new friends, but the relationships would be fleeting and I would miss out on years of blood, sweat, and tears relationships with people who would do anything for me. I would miss out on sleepy-eyed morning kisses and that comfort that only comes from being with someone who knows you fully, completely, deeply--and still loves you. I would be giving up the knowledge that a warm hug is always waiting for me, from someone--all I would have to do is call. I would have to be understanding of the idea that, unfortunately, if I get sick--I might be alone. If I become deathly ill, I may not have any way of contacting my family and even if I could, they would probably not be able to get out there fast enough. 

Now, this is the part where I got really, really lucky.

I have figured out how to do both. I can live my dreams of traveling while still maintaining solid relationships. I am blessed to be with a man who is secure in our relationship and supports my dreams. He wants me to able to go on that mission trip I always dreamed of. He wants to travel to Europe with me. Then, I also have my stability. My loved ones to come home to and share the joys of the pictures and the stories and the foods and sights and smells. My friends who know that I have this adventurous side and understand my need to fulfill it, but are still there to support me and listen to all of my crazy stories when I return. I maintain relationships with people who matter because at the end, that's all we have, folks. The people who love us fulfill our lives. They bring us life. They make me understand why I don't want to be a wanderer. Now, wandering with them? That's a different story. Bring that on. Bring that on for life. 

I am well aware that there are many who may not agree and who want to travel--I welcome their opinions. I hope they embrace their thoughts and live the most beautiful life possible. I am challenging you to remember that we need to be at peace with our choices-whatever they may be. 

Are there difficulties in commitments? Always. There are days where things are mundane. Days where we all want to run away (especially when we are stressed over bills, jobs, significant others, kids, in-laws....life stuff). That's normal. We need to take time to do what makes us happy in those moments. Take a little quiet time. Breathe. Understand that this moment shall pass....

....and when it does, you won't be alone. You have someone there to hold you, support you, listen to you, and plan that crazy trip with you that you have always dreamed about. 

So make your choices, my friends. Accept them and embrace them but do so with the understanding of what will happen next. Choose wisely, and choose with love. 

(Image credit: Bertha Williams MUA Mikal Andreu)

Make room for happiness.

Letting go is incredibly hard, isn't it? Especially when our heart is invested in something or someone. It is so painful to walk away from something or someone who was once a huge part of our life.

Yet, we do it. Why?

Because we have to.

One of the recurring issues that happens so often in the dating world (and I also committed this dating crime) is that people simply don't let go of the past. We don't always see moving on as a "good" thing. When we walk away from something or someone, we must realize that feeling a loss is inevitable. We are "losing something", but if we are choosing to let it go, then we must trust our choices.

We need to realize that maybe, just maybe, some "losses" are actually just barriers to happiness being removed from our lives.

When loneliness kicks in, our brains trick us. They make us second-guess our choices that were once "set-in-stone". We start thinking that perhaps we made a mistake. Perhaps that person or situation which seems so terrible really wasn't so terrible after all.

This, my friends, is where logical thinking must come into play. Ask yourself some tough questions, and be honest with yourself.

• Did this person or situation make me feel happier when I was experiencing them/it? Or did they/it make me feel unhappy or drained most of the time?

• Did I make the choice to leave that person/place logically? After putting much thought into it? 

If the answers to these questions are "yes", then trust yourself because it seems like you made the right choice. Don't let those feelings of loneliness make you change your mind. Don't settle for less than you deserve just to have something....wait for the right thing.

Something magical happens when we allow ourselves to heal....

...we emerge even brighter. We have changed. We have softened or hardened in some places that will continue adding to our character. We have grown and changed and learned and we have risen above the loneliness. We have learned to love ourselves and embrace the loneliness and changes because it only means that a) we are comfortable being alone with ourselves and we accept that change is inevitable and b) we have made room for the right person or situation to enter our lives.

When we let go of something that is causing unhappiness, we allow more love and happiness to enter our lives. When we have something causing us unhappiness blocking our heart, it hinders us. It is a barrier. Sure, we may not be alone--but what's worse than not having someone/something? Having someone or something and still feeling completely and utterly alone. 

Wait for the people and situations who reflect love and joy back to you. Don't feel guilty from walking away from toxic people or things. Let your heart shine and make room for happiness.

Bring your darkness to light.

Brene Brown wrote, "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity".

Those two sentences sum up the reasons for my desire to start this blog so, so well.

I want you all to understand that bringing your darkness to light can be one of the most freeing things in the world. 

You see, in my lifetime, I have experienced a lot of darkness. Darkness that I was incredibly ashamed of. I was ashamed of the irresponsible choices I made in my youth. I hurt many people I loved. I hurt myself. I damaged relationships. I walked away with so much shame that I lost sleep and so many tears over it.

I made bad choices to fill voids in my life. I relied on sexuality and appearance instead of my heart and mind. I allowed myself to be harassed. I allowed myself to be manipulated. Then, when I wanted to get away from that life and those memories, I allowed people who cared about me (in the only way they knew how) to shame me. I felt like damaged goods, and someone who feels like damaged goods doesn't make the best choices, either. I felt ashamed and I felt like a bad, bad person. I felt like I deserved the belittlement for my past choices. I felt like I needed to find more "damaged" people to understand and accept the "damaged" person that I was. I channeled my pain by wanting to heal the pain in others. I thought I could "fix" people.

Let's pay attention to the domino effect of negative patterns here. 

Desperately seeking to fill voids -> making questionable choices to fill the emptiness instead of addressing and healing the emptiness -> feeling ashamed from questionable choices which then caused another void -> let more people mistreat me due to feeling "damaged". 

Do you see what happened here? This pattern would have just kept going and going and going...but I stopped it. 

How? I forgave myself. I said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". I have beaten myself up ENOUGH over these choices. I am NOT the same person I was when I made them. I learned. I did my best to repair all of the relationships I marred. I let people know that I was truly sorry. I cut people out who continued to shame me. I could not move forward and stop feeling "damaged" unless I really STOPPED THINKING I WAS DAMAGED. I was NOT damaged. I made some choices that weren't that great, but that did not make ME a bad person.

Was it easy? No. I think it took me about 6 years to forgive myself. Do you know what really helped? 

Admitting that darkness to others. When we release those deep, dark, soul-crushing,  sleep-losing thoughts and we bring them to LIGHT, something magical happens. We realize that the earth keeps spinning, life continues to go on, and nothing really changes--except our ability to forgive ourselves. Are there some people who will judge you? Of course. There are people who will judge others no matter what. It is inevitable and it something that becomes easier when we accept and forgive ourselves because we aren't desperately trying to seek the approval of others....but when you stop hiding out of shame, you feel free. You own up to your choices and you show others that you are stronger for overcoming them. You don't deny them, you don't shy away from them--you admit them and you move on. 

In this life, we need to have the ability to realize our mistakes, own them, admit them, learn from them, grow from them, forgive ourselves, and move on. 

I will share this with you: all of the people who truly matter in my life who know my past still love me. Still accept me...and that is more than enough for me. One of the most precious memories I carry in my heart is when I admitted my troubled past to my darling, and I was fully anticipating him telling me he could not handle it. I thought he would push me away. You see, I had multiple relationships in which the men shamed me when I admitted my past. I didn't fit into their image of who they thought I should have been, and therefore put me in the "bad" person category. Needless to say, I had dealt with the pain and the shaming and rejection, so I was prepared for my newest leap-of-faith to say the same....

....but he didn't. He told me that the only thing he saw in front of him was a beautiful woman who is who she is because of her past. 

And that, my friends, is the type of person you want in your life. 

So please, bring your darkness to light with someone who you know loves you. Trust their love and trust your worth. KNOW YOUR WORTH. Know that you are more than your choices and your choices do not make you a bad person. If you have changed and have bettered your life, be proud of that. You may even be able to help others by showing them empathy--letting them know that they are not alone. 

We can find the light through the darkness. It is there. Forgive yourself. Free yourself.

Let go. 

The light is right around the corner....wait for it's warmth to shine down on you.

A beautiful thought entered my mind today.

I was tossing and turning, trying to rest. I was unable to relax, unable to be completely at ease.

Dream. Wake up. Restless. Dream. Wake up. Toss. Turn. Dream.

Each time I woke up...something else happened. I noticed something comforting each time. The first time I woke up, I embraced the warmth and comfort of my bed...my bed that I bought myself when I was in a brand new place, all alone, starting to build my life.

The next time I woke up, I embraced the softness and comfort of my darling. Realized how lucky I was to experience his love and warmth when others (and I was one of them) crave to find that one person who listens to the beats and rhythms of their heart.....well, I have him. 

The final time I woke up, I was relishing in the previous two discoveries and also saw how beautiful the light peeking through my shades looked. So refreshing and calming. Shine down on me, light. You are always welcome to shine down on me. 

Life is like this. The more we wake up to embrace what is going on around us, the more refreshed and appreciative we feel. I used to live my life closed off. I was searching without really LOOKING, without really SEEING what was around me. I was not awake. 

Waking up means experiencing all that life has to offer. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly and everything in between. It means welcoming life with open arms and understanding that we may go through those periods of tossing and turning, but just around the corner we have the light peeking through--waiting to comfort us. 

It begins with you...yes, you!

I see so many posts daily from tons of "experts" on love. Here's the thing...nobody is an expert on love. We all have different life experiences that show us what love is and what love is not.  I share my experiences because perhaps they can help some of you...but I am no expert.

Love can be masked by many other things, but true love....real love is something that cannot be described, only felt. True love is the cool side of the pillow, a clear mind, comfort, peace, the first day of summer. The warmth of a trusted embrace. Wanting to live every day better than the last because the future is so promising.

Now, love confused as other feelings....that is something entirely different. Possession masked as love is painful. Confining. Walking on eggshells. Guilt. Ownership masked as love is a false safety. A dream world of a sanctuary without the reality of the commitment of it.  Insecurity and jealousy masked as love are full of games. Ups and downs and anger and a lack of peace. Shame. Resentment.

Here's the crazy thing. These other feelings, although they have some extreme, heart wrenching lows....also have some extremely passionate emotions attached with them. Unhealthy "love" can be intoxicating. We will endure being called terrible names, feeling lower than we have ever felt before, more confusion than ever, tears and yelling and heartache--for the promise of that passionate kiss, those teary-eyed apologies and "I-love-you"s.

Until one day, we grow tired of the up and down battles. We want something more. We want something healthy and lasting. We want something we don't have to be miserable for in order to "win" short-lived happiness.

We want REAL love. We want peace.

How did I start on this path? I worked on loving and forgiving and healing...myself. My lack of love for myself caused me to allow others in who didn't care for me, either. So I went to the source. I began to heal. I began to examine and feel and grow and learn who I was entirely in order to grow into who I wanted to be. I became more whole again.

So what happens when we find that healthy relationship after years of unhealthy ones? Do we accept it with open arms? In my experience, it takes work. I am not used to this comfort. This lasting love. This open heart who loves me unconditionally, despite my flaws. The soul who sees my soul in all of it's entirety, it's light and airy parts and it's dark and cold crevices....and still loves me. This person who reassures me, even when I am at my most difficult, my most defensive, my most emotional. The one who I laugh with, cry with, and talk to about anything. The one who plans a future with me without question, without games--without question.

This, although beautiful, is hard. The old me, the me who is used to chaos, has a hard time accepting this peace. The old me comes out at times and has tried to sabotage this amazing thing. She has tried to run away from this pure joy, this commitment because, well, she was only used to chaos. To pain. To heartache.

Yet, through care and time and introspection, I have learned to embrace this healthy and beautiful love. This peace. I have learned to nurture myself and change the thought processes that lead me to mistreated before. I have learned to love MYSELF which allows me to accept being LOVED and also allows me to LOVE FULLY. I have focused on learning from those around me with healthy and lasting relationships. I have stopped being stubborn, and I have decided to allow something wonderful to be a part of my life. I have learned that I am worth being loved and I am worth loving. That, my friends, is how I began to accept this amazing concept called "love"...and I feel comfort, warmth, and joy every day of my life.

...and I know you can feel that, too. It starts with you...and when you find that person, it ends with you as a team.

Take Ownership of Your Own Life Before Someone Else Does.

If I have learned anything in my almost (yes, almost as in next weekend!) 28 years of existence, it is this:

Nothing is what it seems. Don't blindly take advice from ANYONE who has never experienced the things that preach about, or who is a hypocrite. Don't take advice from someone who isn't genuine. Who hasn't had the courage and strength to be who they are without regret.

Lately, I have cringed almost daily at the amount of people who take things seriously such as, "12 Signs You Should be Doing....", "5 Ways to Become a Better....", "10 Signs He/She is _____ In Your Life..."....I see so many people who think that ONE person's success MUST be the end-all-be-all. It is not. Your life is YOURS to own and conquer and enjoy and embrace. Our successes are ALL different. Some may feel success from raising a happy family. Some may feel success from making millions. Some may feel success from being able to pay for their own apartment. We all have our own path and each person is entitled to that.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Whatever happened to reflecting? Please-don't give up on your own ability to reflect and understand. Don't stop searching. If you need advice, turn to someone you trust who has been THROUGH it. Understand that even THEN, their opinion and experience is their story and YOU will create your own.

As a society, we must take more ownership for our emotions and feelings and our own LIFE that only WE are LIVING...as individuals. With free spirits and free hearts and souls and wills.

Listen to your own inner voice today. Relax before making decisions. You will figure this out.