It begins with you...yes, you!

I see so many posts daily from tons of "experts" on love. Here's the thing...nobody is an expert on love. We all have different life experiences that show us what love is and what love is not.  I share my experiences because perhaps they can help some of you...but I am no expert.

Love can be masked by many other things, but true love....real love is something that cannot be described, only felt. True love is the cool side of the pillow, a clear mind, comfort, peace, the first day of summer. The warmth of a trusted embrace. Wanting to live every day better than the last because the future is so promising.

Now, love confused as other feelings....that is something entirely different. Possession masked as love is painful. Confining. Walking on eggshells. Guilt. Ownership masked as love is a false safety. A dream world of a sanctuary without the reality of the commitment of it.  Insecurity and jealousy masked as love are full of games. Ups and downs and anger and a lack of peace. Shame. Resentment.

Here's the crazy thing. These other feelings, although they have some extreme, heart wrenching lows....also have some extremely passionate emotions attached with them. Unhealthy "love" can be intoxicating. We will endure being called terrible names, feeling lower than we have ever felt before, more confusion than ever, tears and yelling and heartache--for the promise of that passionate kiss, those teary-eyed apologies and "I-love-you"s.

Until one day, we grow tired of the up and down battles. We want something more. We want something healthy and lasting. We want something we don't have to be miserable for in order to "win" short-lived happiness.

We want REAL love. We want peace.

How did I start on this path? I worked on loving and forgiving and healing...myself. My lack of love for myself caused me to allow others in who didn't care for me, either. So I went to the source. I began to heal. I began to examine and feel and grow and learn who I was entirely in order to grow into who I wanted to be. I became more whole again.

So what happens when we find that healthy relationship after years of unhealthy ones? Do we accept it with open arms? In my experience, it takes work. I am not used to this comfort. This lasting love. This open heart who loves me unconditionally, despite my flaws. The soul who sees my soul in all of it's entirety, it's light and airy parts and it's dark and cold crevices....and still loves me. This person who reassures me, even when I am at my most difficult, my most defensive, my most emotional. The one who I laugh with, cry with, and talk to about anything. The one who plans a future with me without question, without games--without question.

This, although beautiful, is hard. The old me, the me who is used to chaos, has a hard time accepting this peace. The old me comes out at times and has tried to sabotage this amazing thing. She has tried to run away from this pure joy, this commitment because, well, she was only used to chaos. To pain. To heartache.

Yet, through care and time and introspection, I have learned to embrace this healthy and beautiful love. This peace. I have learned to nurture myself and change the thought processes that lead me to mistreated before. I have learned to love MYSELF which allows me to accept being LOVED and also allows me to LOVE FULLY. I have focused on learning from those around me with healthy and lasting relationships. I have stopped being stubborn, and I have decided to allow something wonderful to be a part of my life. I have learned that I am worth being loved and I am worth loving. That, my friends, is how I began to accept this amazing concept called "love"...and I feel comfort, warmth, and joy every day of my life.

...and I know you can feel that, too. It starts with you...and when you find that person, it ends with you as a team.

Take Ownership of Your Own Life Before Someone Else Does.

If I have learned anything in my almost (yes, almost as in next weekend!) 28 years of existence, it is this:

Nothing is what it seems. Don't blindly take advice from ANYONE who has never experienced the things that preach about, or who is a hypocrite. Don't take advice from someone who isn't genuine. Who hasn't had the courage and strength to be who they are without regret.

Lately, I have cringed almost daily at the amount of people who take things seriously such as, "12 Signs You Should be Doing....", "5 Ways to Become a Better....", "10 Signs He/She is _____ In Your Life..."....I see so many people who think that ONE person's success MUST be the end-all-be-all. It is not. Your life is YOURS to own and conquer and enjoy and embrace. Our successes are ALL different. Some may feel success from raising a happy family. Some may feel success from making millions. Some may feel success from being able to pay for their own apartment. We all have our own path and each person is entitled to that.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Whatever happened to reflecting? Please-don't give up on your own ability to reflect and understand. Don't stop searching. If you need advice, turn to someone you trust who has been THROUGH it. Understand that even THEN, their opinion and experience is their story and YOU will create your own.

As a society, we must take more ownership for our emotions and feelings and our own LIFE that only WE are LIVING...as individuals. With free spirits and free hearts and souls and wills.

Listen to your own inner voice today. Relax before making decisions. You will figure this out.

What happens when you leave your comfort zone?

Eat. Shame. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Exercise. Restrict. "Happy". Control. Binge. Shame. Guilt. Sadness. Anger. Exercise. "Happy". Control.....rinse and repeat over and over and over again.

I became comfortable with this sadness. I became comfortable with not taking charge of my life. I became comfortable with yo-yo dieting because I hated my body even though I was so, so far from truly comfortable and comforted in my own body.

Let's talk crash diets...I did the salad diet, I did the cabbage diet, I did the eat only salads AND workout diet, I did the smoothie diet, I did  the fasting, I did the massive-amount-of-exercise. I took fad diet pills and I was even prescribed medication to lose weight. My weight has fluctuated more times than I can count because I have never been consistent because being consistent meant releasing that false sense of control and owning up to the truth.

Guess what? My body will never look like the image I had in my head for years. Guess what else?

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

For the first time in my life, I am owning up to who I am and accepting who I am. All of my curves. All of my flaws. All of my blessings. They are all a part of who I am. In accepting myself, I am being consistent for the second time in my life. I have been healthy only one other time in my life when I did so naturally. The difference is that then, unlike now, I became healthy in a natural way but it wasn't out of love for myself. It was an obsession. It was an escape.

Now, I  exercise because I love myself and I want these legs which have trampled over so many trials and tribulations to carry me as long as they will go. I eat healthfully because I want my over flowing heart to continue thump-thump-thumping for years to come. I life this lifestyle now because I want to keep sharing the joy with people in my life who I never want to live without.

Be healthy because you are in love with life and because you love yourself completely. We are on this journey together <3

FREE YOUR MIND.

How do we use the power of association to guide us through life?

Words are very powerful and can change our mindset completely. When you were a child, did you hear your loved ones calling themselves "fat"? Did you hear others making fun of someone for being "overweight"? Do you think you would associate certain sizes or numbers on the scale with "fat" had you not heard those things as a child? Did you hear a woman who had multiple sexual partners being called a "slut"?

Imagine growing up in a world where people referred to others who looked differently as "beautiful". Imagine your mother, your sister, your aunt, or your childhood best friend loving themselves exactly as they were, and letting that feeling radiate through them so the heat of their self-love made you feel self-love, too. Imagine people using their love to guide and help others instead of judging them for their choices.

I used to label myself, my friends. I used to think that my "bad" choices made me "damaged". I listened to what the views of others were. I felt guilty because of the associations that I made and that other people made about my EXPERIENCES (I choose not to say "mistakes"-we need to understand we are human and will have many "experiences" that will guide us). When I realized that it was time to forgive myself and realize that my choices did NOT define me-I felt a freedom that I had not felt in years. I did not have to label myself as a "damaged" person because of the associations I had in my mind with my choices. I had the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. I had the freedom to learn from my experiences, and just be ME. No labels. No associations. Just me.

Let's change our associations. Let's replace those automatic negative thought processes with positive ones. Rather than pulling the skin on your gorgeous wide hips, or shapely stomach, or strong arms and saying it is "fat", say at least ONE POSITIVE quality about that body part. Instead of saying your wild hair is frizzy and awful, think of how beautiful and free and untamed it looks! Feel that freedom throughout your day!

Change your thoughts. Change your thought process. Good things will follow. We want our future children to have a positive body image of themselves and others. We want our loved ones to realize that we are only human. Our experiences (positive or negative) do not have to define the rest of our lives. You are YOU. That is all you have to be. You are not damaged. You are not broken. You are free to be the beautiful you that you are HERE on this earth to be.

Make the change!

To the women of the world: I have been in your shoes.

I have been on dates that now go down in history as "Did-that-really-happen?" moments.

I have had relationships end in ways that I never could have even created in my wildest imagination.

I have had friends hurt me.

I have had terrible jobs.

I have ever overdrafted my bank account. Yes, even that.

I have been hurt. I have been betrayed. I have lost faith.....

....but I got that faith back.

Would you like to know how? I don't have any gimmicks for you. I also can't tell you that the answers all come immediately. I still have "a-HA!" moments on a weekly basis from situations that occurred months or years ago in my life.

However, I will tell you this: things DO always work out. I know, I know. It sounds so cliche, right? Well, there is a little trick: you need to own up to your actions. I used to be passive aggressive and non-confrontational with people who wronged me. I used to want to change myself so much that I HATED myself rather than LOVING myself. I would make excuses for others AND for myself.

It was time to stop that.

It was time to realize that if I kept dating the same type of guy and those relationships kept failing, PERHAPS it was time to understand MYSELF and figure out why I kept going down that path. If I had conflict with friends, I needed to look at what I did  to determine if it was up to me to make amends. If I wasn't paying off my debt, but making money to do so--it was up to ME to make the changes to start fixing that.

Now, this might be heavy for you. You are probably thinking, "Wow, Nicole. So you are telling me to find all of the things I am DOING WRONG and fix them....sounds painful". It may sound painful, but here is the beauty of it: when we change our lives for the better, we also must FORGIVE OURSELVES. We will never be perfect. Our experiences (I won't say "mistakes", because they are purely experiences!) made us who we are. Yet, we need to continue GROWING and LEARNING from those experiences rather than closing our eyes, mind, and heart to the possibilities that are right in front of us. When we forgive ourselves, and realize that those "experiences" were purely that: experiences to prepare us for something GREATER, we become peaceful. Things start falling into place.

Things change for the better and continue to flourish.

Look in your mirror. Think about your life and what you want to change. Then smile, tell yourself "I love you", and make the changes. You can do it. You are meant for greater things.

“Consistency is what matters the most in triggering something important to your life” -Abdul Rauf

Let’s talk about consistency.

What does this mean to you? To me, it means everything.

I crave consistency in my life. Being consistent does not mean that we are unable to be spontaneous. It just means that we try our very best to be the best versions of us possible. It means we set personal boundaries, and choose to have other consistent relationships in our lives to avoid unnecessary stress and heartache.

I need to be consistent in my actions, or I become overwhelmed. I need consistency from others in my life. Many of my close friends and family members have shown me consistency in their actions and words-whether we are together or not.

The thing about consistency is that it takes TIME. We cannot develop consistency immediately. If we want a consistent and healthy relationship, it takes time. It takes getting to know the ins and outs of each other. It takes forgiveness, support, and commitment. If we want consistency in our personal health routine, we need to commit to the steps we take to get there. We must make small changes before we add on larger ones so we don’t set ourselves up for failure. With small changes, we can create that consistency that we crave.

If we want consistency with anything in our lives, we need to make the choice to commit to it.

Make a commitment to yourself today. Start small. Write it down. Track your progress. You will get to where you need to be. I believe in all of us! Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't happen as quickly as you want it to--it WILL happen. Just be consistent <3

Food Addicts

Hello everyone!
I apologize for not posting recently. Life has had some ups and downs (all exciting ones), and I took a little hiatus from my blog...but I am back!

Today, I want us to think about different perspectives. Do we categorize eating disorders in our minds? Are we are of the different ones that are out there? This is not a post to judge anyone, or to scold anyone. This is purely a post to remind us to be open.

A lovely friend of mine shared her personal struggle with me and is brave enough to share her story in order to help others. I want to share her story with all of you to remind all of us that eating disorders come in many shapes and forms. We must not judge others, or form opinions about them before getting to know them. We must love ourselves-regardless of our shape or size. If the people we loved the most died tomorrow, would we be even slightly concerned about the size of their pants? Their waist measurements? I highly doubt it. We should value ourselves more than that, too.

"I know you probably come in contact with people struggling with eating disorders through your blog and such. The website to this program is http://www.foodaddicts.org It is completely free and we help all types of people with food addiction, which many times manifests as ED's. There are recovering overeater's, bulimics, anorexics, people that have been morbidly obese and extremely thin and now are living with freedom around the mental obsession around food. I have been in program about 3.5 years and I used to struggle with obesity, overeating, laxative bulimia and my weight had fluctuated seriously over many years. The obsession around food was exhausting and time consuming and seemed to be a futile struggle for control. I like to give as many people as I can access to this info, because we invariably meet people every day that have problems with food. This website has a lot of info if you're interested and if you were to have any questions, feel free to ask me or contact the contacts listed".